Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
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My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Taliband
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Why can’t opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo
Toxic snake
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)