Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
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[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Seems a bit forward
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.