If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
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I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
mocktails are awesome because they ask the question ‘how much could juice cost?’
Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.