Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter

Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.

Him: Do you swallow?

Me: Every time I chew.

Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.

I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20

Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.

ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here

HIM: Nothing is happening

ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon

I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.

[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u

Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster

Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ

I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.

In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super

My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.

Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.

FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!

ABE LINCOLN: is that good

[texting]

ME: I like you, I think you’re cute

MY CRUSH: oh um

ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that

DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.

wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids

Kid being grounded in 1978:

YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.

Kid being grounded in 2018:

YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.

“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”

mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-

[From outside] LOOFAS!

The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.

The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea

No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.

That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.

If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.

🥶🥶🐶🐶

“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes

If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.

Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out

Wife: yes why

Me: my boss fired me today