I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
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i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
saw some family i haven鈥檛 seen in 30 yrs & now i鈥檓 good for another 30 yrs
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
a鈥鈥鈥鈥鈥鈥鈥鈥鈥鈥鈥鈥 (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Sucks how every girl I鈥檓 interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
This sweet pup found a new friend 馃枻
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone鈥檚 feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I鈥檓 blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won鈥檛 stop staring at me help
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
CLEANING TIP- When cleaning windows or other glass products, you can apply orange juice to particularly grimy spots. This does not work however.