Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: whatcha doing over there?

Me: playing on my phone

Him: oh yeah? What game?

Me: my favorite game

Him: which one is that?

Me: …Amazon

I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?

Cop: have you been drinking tonight?

Me: no sir

Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated

Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”

GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.

My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.

Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!

*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*

My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?

7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.

🤣

I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.

My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.

WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.

ME: [swallows suppository]

friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”

hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter

Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”

Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.

Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it

Facebook marketplace is a different world

My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.

Become ungovernable.

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?

Me: why?

Her: who vacuums their bed?

Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.

I know a bad idea when I see one.

They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…

cow: I hate when you boss me around

farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?

cow: you herd me

“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies

I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…

Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward

Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise

Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty

The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.

Friends come and friends go.

Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.

And the ones that bring beer.