Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*

5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?

My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.

ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car

COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think

one week till the election

Them: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Yes.

I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on

iPhone X

Me: *eating ribs*

Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*

In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.

Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?

When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment

My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.

windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol

4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next

Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many

why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes

I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.

after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host

Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.

Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that

“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger

[meeting my gf’s parents]

gf: just please be serious

me: ok

[later]

gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now

me: I DID MY WAITING

gf: oh no

me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT

gf: please

me: IN AZKABAN

ex: i wish you well

me: i hope you fall into one

me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles

1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?

Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.

[Robbery]
– Give me everything you have!
– I’ve only got this defective set of scales.
– Just hand it over!
– You’ll never get a weigh with this.

Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?

Good times.

me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain

I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.