All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
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ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀 oh sory about that we were just passing by
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her