Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
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Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees