Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Go gym

– First day of College
– Dorm meeting

Dorm monitor: Any questions guys?

Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??

This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”

ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?

USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes

CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie

AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?

CANADIAN: What’s that about?

AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank

HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER

A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.

The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

[inventor of the mirror]

“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”

My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.

At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!

*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers

That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.

sweet dreams💖

If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.

captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna

1st mate: dont you mean sonar

captain (already in towel): full steam ahead

I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!

If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too

[learning to drive stick]

Dad: hands at 10 and 2

Me: ok

Dad: now go ahead and shift

Me: *sweating*

Dad: shift

Me: *slowly moves hand*

Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US

[car slides off road in a snowstorm]

Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me

[we both laugh as he drives away]

[still stuck 10 hours later]

Wife:
Me: I regret nothing

Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.

Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.

*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*

To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.

one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails

store clerk: can I help you find anything

me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*

Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”

I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.

On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep