A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
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So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
i wonder why they stopped looking
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
it be like that
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.