Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.

Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?

Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.

H: Which episode?

M: The one with the dance contest.

H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….

HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.

SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN

Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?

chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again

jesus: ok yes

new record!

“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”

-I say to the person I don’t remember.

My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.

I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.

Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.

My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.

Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social

Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.

My husband knows this now.

I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.

What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)

WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?

ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.

Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.

I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.

I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.

I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her

My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.

Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.

(10 minutes later)

My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!

No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.

[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck

Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.

“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”

Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”

Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”

Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”

toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]

The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.