Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards

JUDGE: no can do

[Police Line up]

Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off

Me:

Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.

Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.

Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.

My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”

Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”

good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.

A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.

Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.

I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.

Wait for it…

This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.

People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face

Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*

Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.

“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”

*two steaks giggle*

“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”

I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”

Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.

Will you be my 14th most used emoji?

Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.

~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021

PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?

I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.

Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.

“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”

Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.

ME: is he always this quiet

WIDOW: *sobs harder*

[being murdered]

Mailman: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT

[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”

I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.

Ugh

Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”

Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”

they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead

Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.

We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.