Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.

You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.

WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral

FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate

Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first

Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.

kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend

me:

kidnapper:

me: which friend

Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?

I feel so discombobulated when supermarkets switch up the aisles without texting me first.

How to make emails sound livid:

“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”

Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.

What kind of rifle do comedians use?

JK47’s.

Shoot me.

Cartman: Respect my
a a

According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.

Can we not just call it Zealand now?

Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.

Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.

5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop

I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare

Harry: Want to see a magic trick?

Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.

Harry: Got your nose!

Voldemort: You know I hate that game.

There are two rules in life:

1. Never tell anyone everything.

Professor: most of you won’t pass this course

Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job

My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby

My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta

Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”

Here’s what we have say about that:

More like “science UN-fair”

*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*

*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon

I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.

This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great

“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*

*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”

Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards