Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.

Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”

Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.

I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous

I have no time for stupid people

But they sure do have time for me.

A chocolate advent calendar is a test of restraint that I simply do not have

The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.

Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?

them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty

he looks great for his age

My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️

[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?

Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today

“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.

Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?

Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.

If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?

I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.

[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck

My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.

i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”

I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.

getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy

me: [stroller shopping] how much for this one

clerk: do you have a baby

me: would you accept cash instead

YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*

ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*

I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂

Forty is the new thirty!

At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.

Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]

Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice pack

K2: *fever*
SN: Ice pack

K3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice pack

K4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack

What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)

Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it