Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.

me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go

90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.

Husband: You want to have sex?

Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.

Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.

Me:

I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)

Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.

Breaking up

(be mature, be mature, be mature)

Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.

My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.

My husband: Get used to it kid.

Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.

Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.

I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”

getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age

My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.

There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.

So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.

Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.

eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle

adam: wow

eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you

adam: WOW

• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.

Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half

Me: I’ll do it

Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily

Me: *crying* He’s good

Wife: What

I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.

How to shape your eyebrows

A thread

[in crowded elevator]

Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?

me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens

I bet Wile E. Coyote went near suicidal when he discovered DoorDash after spending millions on delivery for ACME products.

So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed

[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head

If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.

Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,

Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel

[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?

-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.

Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.