Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.

He was behind this terrible fence.

In my neighbor’s yard.

I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.

<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.

Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.

Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?

This one takes the trophy 😭😭

It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.

[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes

i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either

Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.

I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.

Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.

ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.

BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?

My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.

I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.

Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.

I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up

She just wanted a better look at her surroundings

Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans

When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast

Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?

God: Yes

Raccoon: Comical?

God: *chuckles* Yes

Raccoon: Would make a great pet?

God: Oh my yes

Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!

God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda

*at family function..

*superglues jenga tower

“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.

*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is

*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*

Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.

Had an epiphany today.

The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.

Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.

If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.