Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
You Might Also Like
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Clown: [reaching for his nose]
Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.