Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes

Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me

[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry

[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow

[during a plane crash]

Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!

Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!

*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm

Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.

this FaceApp is creepy af

The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.

I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.

3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.

Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.

saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people

Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah

A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.

Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugar

Me too kid, me too

I told the family that I had to go into work for a few hours but I’m actually just sitting out in the shed eating a bag of Baconators in peace.

I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.

I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum

she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos

Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain

It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today

I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.

I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.

Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?

Me: when you’re a parent, you just no

How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?

After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard

If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.

My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.

“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook

Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!

Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.