Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Shipwrecked diary]

Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.

“Shake your money maker”

Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*

We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.

not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place

*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*

I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.

Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits

{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.

Who remembers when Pixar had blooper reels in movies 🤣

Money is the root of all wealth

when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story

Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.

Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa

BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?

SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.

Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.

Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.

“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!

*Squatting over cat litter box*

Husband: What the fu-

Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM

I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.

Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.

I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS

reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird

Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before

Good morning

If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.

If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.

*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!

Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat

For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-

Order a “quickie”

then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”

[at the movies]

me: thank god it’s over

her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog