The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
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HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
This one takes the trophy 😭😭
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo