Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
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Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Companies, stop informing me that my personal information may have been compromised, I just assume it’s everywhere at this point. Project it onscreen at a Taylor Swift concert, I really don’t give a shit.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?