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I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)
Wife: have you registered here before?
Matrix: idk, put my email in.
(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
If you play The Grinch backward, his heart shrinks after interacting with people and that’s a lot more accurate.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
me: that teaching babies to eat airplanes will destroy us all. one day we’ll create a baby large enough to eat real airplanes and be unable to either destroy it, or explain the horror that sating it’s desire for num-nums would unleash
date: …neat. my greatest fear is spiders
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.