hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
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Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”
That is because they also stole the fence.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.