Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well

I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it

Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.

Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.

I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.

“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.

Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.

wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔

If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.

Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”

Green tea reduces weight*

*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.

I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.

A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.

i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol

My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese

Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.

Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen

age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch

age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks

Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?

Quasimodo: I have a hunch.

Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?

me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school

spy hq: none suspect you, right?

me: roger

spy hq: keep her in sight

[later]

teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?

me: i’ve been made

spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!

Boss: you’re fired

Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?

17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?

Me: Who?

17: Scooper.

Me: Again, who?

17: Landlord’s son.

Me: COOPER?!

17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.

I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up

Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.

I know this now.

5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!

Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]

Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!

Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)

Hubs: Never mind

Me: Smart move

Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.

I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?

just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀

got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.