Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..

You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.

Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.

Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one

Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.

Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?

Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.

[Jesus on the cross]

*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”

*5 hrs pass*

“new phone. who dis?”

Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!

Her: really?

Me: nah, you do look tired though.

those birds must be on payroll

I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.

Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.

I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.

My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.

To the person trying to hack my account, I’ve just been sent this verification code: 928377.

Hope that helps.

If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots

I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.

this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.

Living the best life.. 😊

My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured

It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.

Just go around me, man.

I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.

embroidery proof arrived and as expected, it does not make my wife laugh

Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…

all i want is to be as happy as this potato

why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money

My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.

Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul

My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.

The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.

No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention

My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.