Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.

Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.

My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”

ME: [bird watching]

PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.

YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids

I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.

And to their wives. And their local fire departments.

So, this morning I went into the garage and noticed the attic was wide open. We don’t use it and it’s a heavy panel, so I was freaked out already but trying to play it cool for my kid.

But tell me why my 5yo stared straight into the darkness and said “a man lives there.”

You’re the unreachable booger of people.

App: This app would like to use your location.

Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!

pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher

The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard

Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs

When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”

Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.

“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”

“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”

“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”

ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.

GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.

Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.

babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad

completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions

Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York

Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.

Me: Ironman

Wife: Get out!

marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.

I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.

DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?

Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom

Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances

So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”