Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.

If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.

we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.

If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.

Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest

[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,

My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.

A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings

My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating

This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.

15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.

Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.

*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now

Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s

I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.

Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.

“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?

Why did the chicken go to the gym?

To work on his pecks.

Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.

ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog

Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.

Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still

Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.

Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”

Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE

My kids are really competing for least favorite today.

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental

Love this joke:

Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!

Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.

Phone

Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.

Me: It’s okay. I’m up.

Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?

Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.