My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
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[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
I know there are bigger problems in the world right now but I’ve just realised I’ve never seen a baby seagull.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.
She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”