Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them

People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.

ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?

“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*replaces battery*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*takes battery back out*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER

Smoke Detector:

Me:

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.

6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?

Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.

6: To where?

Me: It just disappeared

6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?

Me: “Take me to your leader!”

60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*

JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?

ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct

instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”

Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.

Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down

Me *reads the news out loud*

Spider *depressed* holy shit

Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.

“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works

Inside Out 2:

The girl enters puberty.

Her emotions get out of control.

She goes Goth.

Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep

I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.

When a new bird species visits your bird feeder

Me: it’s better to give than to receive.

Daughter: what about my enemies?

Me: d-do you have any enemies?

Daughter: not anymore.

Me: what does that mean?

Daughter:

Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?

UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria

U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier

I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.

Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry mat

Yes, it’s another four mat tweet.

How to cure a headache

1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.

While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems

[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much

[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see

My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.

I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.

The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.

Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.

ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]

WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?

HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here

ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin

Detective: how were u able to do it?

Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder