Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*

serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?

how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?

At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

“You heard the song I was playing?”

Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM

“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”

With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster

[first day as hostage negotiater]

me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo

[loud explosion from inside the bank]

baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing

When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.

One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.

I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”

Spring cleaning checklist…

Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”

Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….

…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless

GENIE: you have three wishes

ME: make math go away

GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house

ME: oh so I still get three wishes?

GENIE: huh?

Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.

“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”

Where do turtledoves come from?

“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”

Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved

If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?

To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0

All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.

Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.

[grocery store]

Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this

Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him

“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”

-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.

I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.

That 👊

Overheard at the coffee shop:

“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”

Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.

If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.

I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.

I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.