When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
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5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
This meal prepping shit easy
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.
Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?