fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
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I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.
I met a married woman today, she’s been married for 45 years . I asked her what’s the secret – how did they do it?
She said they the secret is that her and husband never wanted a divorce at the same time
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
based al yankovic
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Top of the ramen to ya, laddies
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
perfect
