Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.

Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.

Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours

Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.

*calls bullshit

Bullshit: Who gave you my number.

I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.

It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?

Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!

M: *swoons*

Never ghost your hitman.

If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.

The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.

Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂

I’m a carb girl, born and bread

There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.

My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”

I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me

My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.

Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.

My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”

This hospital has everything

So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.

My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them

There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today

Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.

[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off

*furtive glance to make sure no one is listening* I keep my friends close and my enemies as far away as possible but don’t tell people that, we got a good thing going with the other thing

I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent

What about a To-Don’t List?

me: sweet chainmail

knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you

Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅

Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now

Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.