Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
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peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80