Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be

At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.

just got my engagement photos

so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.

dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’

[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house

My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:

“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”

Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.

It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.

“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus

I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.

I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”

She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”

Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter

I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.

-me, about to break the dryer

Foo fighters still fighting foo.

Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.

UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?

You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.

My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”

Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.

My mom always said, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.’ Funeral was pretty quiet

H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.

Me:

H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.

[Hair Salon]

Stylist: What would you like?

Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.

When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.

“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application

I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)

How bad is it, doc?

“Well, you’ll never run again”

So basically the same

I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.

Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario

Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.

if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!

why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane