mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
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My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…