Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago

My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.

“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil

“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented

Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.

Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies

2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.

Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.

“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn

British people

I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it

gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”

So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.

Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”

Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”

Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”

Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.

Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”

Jesus: *deletes my account*

Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”

*quits Twitter to spend time with family*

*remembers what family is like*

*quits family for Twitter*

[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside

I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.

Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.

spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.

So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.

coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested

Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.

I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex

Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no

“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”

That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name

“Donkey”

I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.

Boss: “What companies are those?”

Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”

Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.

ME: make every guy afraid of me

GENIE: as u wish

ME: (a tampon): son of a

Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?