“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
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You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
“Are you just going to sit there all day?”
“No! Now and then I’ll be walking to the fridge and back”
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Okay, I’m still confused…
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.