Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…

Me: I love the 90s!

Grandparents: we have names

My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.

According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.

they should invent a rest for the wicked

me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield

6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that

Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA

Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT

[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears

You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?

Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut

Managing expectations

being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things

her: have i been a bad girl?

me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.

What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined

You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.

“Missed you.”
– a lover

“Missed you.”
– a sniper

Context is important.

When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.

What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill

A lambslide

please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place

[one tweet gets 10 likes]

me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.

Support your local cemetery

If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.

The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.

airing out the snack pack

*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*

“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”

Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.

At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose

Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that

[Later in bedroom]

Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?