Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: what’s the deal with airplane food

Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that

My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.

The Friday File.

ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby

ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here

Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”

And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?

It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane

What did watching Cinderella teach us?

7yo:

It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.

“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football

Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.

when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there

Cop: spread’em!

Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*

Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.

THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full

Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.

How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin

next time i open up to someone is during surgery

I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks

If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉

waiter: bread for the table?

me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)

70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.

Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?

If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly

Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.

Cop: [knocks]

Dinosaur: can I help you?

Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire

[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]

I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.

My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.