“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
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[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.