Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”

I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.

Steam Forums

It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,

[God creating octopus]

Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks

God: Crap. What’s left?

Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks

God: Hmmm..

[chamber of commerce]

harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn

Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning

Me: Haha, I saw that

Her: What?

Me: What?

I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.

(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this

When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been

Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.

Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.

you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute

I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.

Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.

I thrive in a waiting room. u need me to sit in a chair and look at my phone? No worries love i do this at home

Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm

Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*

Nobody:

4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?

cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉

me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”

cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”

me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”

Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave

Me: and the last piece?

Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao

My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.

I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.

When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.

Him: What are you doing?

Me: Tweeting.

Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.

Me: *stare*

Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*

grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today

me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes

10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.

carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe

[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first

Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.