I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
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“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?