Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you

hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]

me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him

[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario

Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”

I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.

Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake

I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?

Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.

My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.

“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”

ME: *starts vaping*

When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.

cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]

If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.

I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.

[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes

you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays

MGM lion got me again. nearly threw my popcorn across the room

[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET

Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl

6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher

Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?

6: Chick-fil-A

Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.

“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.

There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.

How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?

Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication

Me: Why am I not surprised

Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication

I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude

JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ

relationship tips:

– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?

[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]