Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour

“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”

<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.

My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high

I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open

told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….

I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.

the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders

*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*

When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway

Holy moly

Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer

(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?

2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.

My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.

Pete: I’m Pete

Peter: I’m Peter

Me, competitive: I’m Petest

Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA

To all the people who blocked me and can see my tweets I want to say that making your own chicken, beef, and seafood stock is a rewarding experience. They can be used for more than bases for soups but as a flavor booster in many recipes and can take your cooking to another level

You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.

Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.

Last Christmas I gave you my heart and the very next day you regifted it to your janitor.

How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?

If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.

My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.

can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.

We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”

I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.