Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’

Why can’t we have a civil debate?

– people who can’t even stay on topic

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday

So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”

[radioshack meeting]

employee: sir, overall sales are really low.

CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?

it is time once again

[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”

Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.

I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.

Me: Can I have a Batmobile?

Santa: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?

Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.

a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)

“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”

– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea

please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context

*pulls out 50 inch TV*

What? It’s really a phone.

I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.

Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person

Me: ok

[Later]

Her: Hi!

Me: Hi you look uglier online

And now we wait

Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.

Siri: Retweet me.

Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.

50 Shades of Dre.

Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.

Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…

Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.

I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase

Local theater is doing CATS and I went last night and it’s very enjoyable but also super unrealistic; not one of the “cats” sat on a table and knocked shit onto the floor

Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.

When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.

Google maps: You’ve arrived.

Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?

Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.

Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.