Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
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What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
S/o to @funTweeters .
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
thank god I have a cat. who else is gonna shit in this box I have