Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judge: Approach the bench.

Cat Lawyer:

Judge: pspspsps

She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*

I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.

Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.

Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.

The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.

The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.

I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?

That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”

My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.

[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH

lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.

me: what was the hearing for?

lawyer: WHAT?

me: the hearing.

lawyer: WHAT?

I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso

True story 🤣

ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..

My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.

I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.

Daughter: Anyone there?

Ouija Board: S P O T

Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm

Ouija Board: N O

ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room

Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart

Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute

When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them

PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage

ME: (clearing throat)

BRIDE:

GROOM:

PRIEST:

ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now

I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.

Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”

I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle

[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]

to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house

3 – DAD! HEY DAD!

Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me

3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?

I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.

I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.

Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…

…18 if you’re obnoxious.

If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again