Proctology is located in A55
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me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
I decided to make the ultimate ice cream dessert today so I combined sea salt ice cream with sea salt chocolate, sea salt almonds and sea salt caramel. What did it taste like? Salt. It tasted like salt.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Made friends w a child at the stingray tank at the aquarium, we were equally apprehensive ab touching the stingrays & then he said “I’ve been here before for school” & I said “wow, is it just like you remember it?” & he pointed to one specific stingray & said “yeah he was here”
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.